We've all seen the commercials: 'If you or a loved one took (insert evil drug here), and suffered injury, stroke or even death! - Call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe right now . . .
Yes, I know it's a serious subject. And yes, I know that it means if your loved one died - you make the call on their behalf. But I just can't help myself. Every time I see one of these commercials, my imagination scampers off immediately in the direction of the absurd, and I invariably start thinking:
"Oh my God, if you're calling people from the afterlife, do NOT waste your phone call on some shyster lawyer! Call somebody who can REALLY help your case. Call Ellen, or Anderson Cooper, or Oprah! No wait, don't call Oprah. She'll just get all spiritual and stuff, and talk about empowerment, and then she'll call Maya Angelou to write a poem about the whole experience. Yes, that's nice and all. But we as a society have some real questions we would like to ask about the afterlife. So please, call somebody who will ask them":
"Is there really a Heaven and Hell? There is, huh? Good to know. We can all stop asking that question now. Sooooo, where'd you go? Up or down? Oooh down, eh? Tough break. So, what'dya do to make it there? Oh, please. Nobody believes you were framed. OK, so lying . . . what else . . .?"
The possibilities are endless here . . .
"Did you get to meet your God? What does he or she really look like? Hmmmmm, nothing at all like Charlton Heston, huh?" Bummer. The world's been running with that particular image for several centuries now. I wonder what's gonna happen to all those paintings?"
"Did the 27 club really start a helluva band up there in rock n' roll heaven? Oh, Jim's still passed out under the table, huh?" And you say Jimi keeps setting fire to all the guitars and Amy thinks it's hysterical so now nobody can get him to stop?" I guess some things really never do change, after all. Sales on that particular t-shirt are about to skyrocket."
And most significantly:
"Um, you're dead. How the hell are you still making phone calls? Great reception though. Who's your carrier?"
So please, if you're phoning in from the other side - call somebody who will get that story out there! Inquiring minds want to know! This is America! People will love you! You'll become a trending topic on Twitter! You'll be tacked all over Pinterest like a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game at a birthday party! We'll dedicate fan pages to you on Facebook! Hell, we'll even give you your own reality show . . .
I really need to stop falling asleep in front of the television . . .